After the Kkachisan Solo Concert
Last Saturday, I went to see Kkachisan's solo concert. Ever since seeing them at last year's Busan Rock Festival, I'd really wanted to catch one of their solo shows, but they're so popular (?) that I kept failing to get tickets. Thanks to SomSom's mercenary chance, I finally managed to get in. The venue was Musinsa Garage in Hapjeong. It was a small standing club venue. It was a small venue with mostly female attendees, so even from the back, I could see well.
While enjoying the show, a thought suddenly struck me. The times I loved bands the most were during middle and high school. How different the music of the bands I loved back then is from Kkachisan's music! I wondered. And I thought maybe that difference reflects my current state of mind.
After navigating my ambiguous and sorrowful teenage years, and now passing through my thirties, the music I love is from a band that sings about 'love'. Isn't that truly a happy thing? Haven't I lived well? And isn't that really lucky?
Actually, a few years ago, I often worried about Nell's Kim Jong-wan. Every time he performed, he spoke with a detached calm, like someone whose life was nearly over, and that naturally seeped into Nell's music. Not just songs like '51 Minutes Before,' which he wrote feeling like he might die in 51 minutes, or 'Goodbye,' whose title alone is profound, but countless other songs were thick with the nuance of death. And perhaps it was Nell's music that helped me endure my own sad and ambiguous adolescence. Could I have liked Kkachisan Music back then? Probably not. To my teenage self, who thought only I was suffering, only I faced hardship, Nell's music was the song that stayed by my side, whispering, "You're not alone," and "I hate life more than death too." Because when you're going through a tough time, what you need most isn't seeing 'someone living well,' but someone who stands beside you on the cliff, sharing your anxiety.
The music of Nell and Mate, bands I loved in my school days, is really different from Kkachisan's music, right? And I thought this might reflect my state of mind. Having passed through my ambiguous, sad, and emotional school days, now that I'm a proper thirty-something, I've come to like bands that sing 'the theme is love' and 'let's split our sorrow in half and share it. so no one needs to stop or hide." That, I thought, felt like a bit of luck for me. And that the middle schooler who listened to Nell's 'Act 5' grew up to like a band singing, 'As for enemies, let's just forget about them around here.' I just felt so proud of myself. That I didn't die, that I lived, that I made it this far—it was a relief. And perhaps that was because Nell's music had taken on all my sadness and unhappiness. Every year, I worried about Nell's vocalist, Kim Jong-wan. Every time he performed, he spoke as if he didn't have much life left, and that often showed in the songs too. Songs like '51 Minutes Before,' written because he felt like he might die in 51 minutes, or 'Goodbye,' whose meaning was clear just from the title, go without saying. But at some point, the depression and sadness he spoke of started to feel different. It seemed like he was expressing himself while holding onto a solid core within himself.