Four Months After Moving In, Settling Into Deep Green
I spent the entire month of August without using Instagram. I wrote about that mindset in my post If You Can Stand at the Edge and Go Anywhere. And today, September 14th, I reactivated my Instagram account and am back on Instagram. So, what did I think about and what changes occurred while I wasn't on Instagram? I thought I wanted to be a little more isolated, but then I also thought I didn't want to be isolated. Then I thought it didn't really matter whether Instagram existed or not, whether I was miserable or not, but then I also thought that seemed like I was attaching too much significance to it. What am I even saying.
I read a lot of books and bought many more. I read ⟨The Future That Came First⟩, ⟨The Great Population Reversal⟩, and ⟨The Love of Inefficiency⟩. I also read ⟨AI Feeds on Humans⟩, ⟨Lee Sedol: Reading the Moves of Life⟩, ⟨Honmono⟩, ⟨The Future Doesn't Come⟩, ⟨Fierce Independence⟩, ⟨The Power to Correct⟩, ⟨Langdon Winner⟩, ⟨This is Tech Ethics⟩, ⟨The Subtle Delight of Notes⟩, ⟨Annotated Dongchoje Hometown Im Changbon Chunhyangga⟩. I bought quite a lot… I read a bit of ⟨Husserl's Phenomenology⟩ and ⟨Stolen Concentration⟩, which I bought ages ago but hadn't read. I started playing squash diligently again. I renewed my membership for 9 months and have been going consistently 2-3 times a week, so the manager even complimented me, saying, 'Your attendance rate is great lately~'. I saw performances at Lotte Concert Hall and the National Theater. The National Changgeuk Company's ⟨Simcheong⟩ was shockingly good. After the show, I couldn't stop crying – a strange experience. I went to Jamsil Baseball Stadium twice: one game was rained out, and the other ended in a comeback loss.
I also tried things I'd wanted to do for a while. I started a small gathering to discuss technology philosophy and had meals with contributors to an AI ethics newsletter, chatting about various interests. I met up with Mr. Park, my last team leader at NC, and a senior colleague from the same team for a meal and coffee after a long time. It made me think again how fortunate I was to have had these adults during my first foray into working life. I finished writing the epilogue for my serialized piece ⟨Finding the Shape of My Place⟩, which I'd been writing for seven years. Who would've thought I'd finally wrap up a piece I started in 2019 all the way in 2025? Anyway, the important thing is I finished it. It feels like I've been finishing so many things this year.
And there were things I quit. It became difficult to continue working with the architect I'd planned to collaborate with on the Seocheon House renovation project, so I handed that task over to my dad to handle. And I felt incredibly relieved. I thought that someday, the time would come when this house and I were meant to be, and that I didn't need to shoulder excessive responsibility right now. I also quit the daily morning economic community meeting. The seeds of doubt and distrust that sprouted while watching Wednesday on Netflix grew steadily, making it hard to continue the group with trust. A lingering fear remains that I might be walking out of the Secret Noah's Ark of my own accord, but once a decision is made, it can't be undone. Taking the easy path might mean losing all my independence. All I can do is hope it was the right decision, one way or another.
The newsletter I boldly pledged to write every two weeks stalled after just two issues. Suya, the youngest at the foundation, keeps asking, "Taylor, why aren't you sending the newsletter?~" every so often. Yeah, exactly. It's just not that easy. I thought I could do it? So I could generate extra income, write, and build my brand as 'Record Apple'? But I can't. There's no way someone as flaky as me could pull off self-branding. I hope I don't get too disappointed in myself. It happens.
I spent a lot of quiet time alone at home. It's been over three months since I moved in, and I've only just hung curtains in the living room and bedroom. The sunlight filtering through the IKEA white semi-blackout curtains is quite warm and beautiful, making me want to just keep staring at it. I brought home four new plants. I used up my last remaining livelihood recovery consumption coupon to buy them. Beauty Green, Pothos, Bengal Rubber Plant, and Jasmine. To help these little ones thrive in their new pots, I checked their leaves and monitored the soil daily. It's been about three weeks now, and thankfully, they're sprouting new leaves and gulping down water eagerly. It seems they're settling in well to their new home.
Yeah. They seem to be settling in well at their new home. Not just the plants, but me too. There are no dramatic changes or new daily dynamics, but my heart feels calm and good. I start my day with the voice of announcer Lee Jae-hoo on Start FM, work after commuting, then watch baseball or go play squash after returning home. Sometimes I end the day listening to announcer Lee Sang-hyup's Your Night and Music. On weekends or Friday evenings, friends come over, I cook for them, and tend to the plants. I read quietly, think about writing I want to do. I watch Netflix, do housework. I find it truly satisfying to simply create my own quiet time and build a solid daily routine.
Talking with friends who visited yesterday, it suddenly occurred to me that the past three years have been a really tough time for me. Someone's jealousy, belittling, overwhelming responsibility, wandering the hot summer streets, hyperventilating and panicking, days when I couldn't go down, up, sideways, or any direction—just standing facing a wall. Those times stretched continuously from the summer of 2022 to the summer of 2024. And the past year has been about gradually recovering from that. New leaves have sprouted abundantly where the wounds healed. Now, it's just a matter of tending to those sprouts and nurturing them. Looking back at the place I left behind and swallowing my lingering regrets is something I'll do only until today. I must live, deepening the green that has grown into a richer, deeper green.